I just don’t get it. Traditionally, forks have four tines. One, two, three, four. But lately, I’ve seen tableware sets that offer forks with – get this – three tines. Can these objects still be referred to as “forks”? I certainly hope not. I would like to propose a constitutional amendment requiring all forks to have four tines. This is the way nature intended. Sure, tableware manufacturers can still produce three-tined forks, but it would be illegal to refer to these as “forks”. Instead, they would be given the moniker of “threek”. Of course, we can’t make it illegal to eat with a threek, so threeks will have all the same rights as forks: the right to spear food, the right to shovel food around on one’s plate, the right to frequent and gentle dishwashing, etc.

In case your subscription to Sarcasm Monthly has lapsed, I’m really talking about the current gay marriage debacle. Really, why does it matter? It’s one thing to have an opinion on what you believe marriage stands for. It is quite another to legally force your opinion on the entire population. I double-dog-dare you to explain to me why marriage must be a union between members of the opposite sex. Oh, by the way, no fair using such phrases as, “it’s the way nature intended”, “that’s what the majority expects” and “God says so”. Those arguments really don’t hold any water. Nature is fickle and defines no rules. This country was founded on the freedom of the minority to express their opinion. God? Whose god? While we’re busy scribbling new amendments down at the bottom of the constitution perhaps we should glance up a bit just long enough to peruse the first: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof”. So that means that in this big melting pot of cultures your god and my god may not play on the same team.

I guess the point of all this ranting and raving is that well, I just don’t see the point. Banning gay marriage is about as useful to society as banning three-tined forks. Marriage is about one thing: love. With all the bloodshed already going on in the world, why attack the few places where love still prevails?