Cole is now just over two weeks old. As new parents, Danna and I have learned a few things. Here's a "top ten" list they never tell you in the baby books:
Top ten things you learn as new parents:
- Don't poke the bear. Is he sleeping with his neck crooked with his eyes facing into the light? Leave him; you may regret any changes you make.
- Newborn babies are normally "hungry every three hours". What no one tells you is that duration is from start to start. Given that it takes an hour to feed him and half an hour to clean his diaper and get him to bed, that's really an hour and a half of sleep before he's hungry again.
- Existing parents can't wait to laugh at new parents. Before you have a baby your friends will tell you how wonderful it is and how it was the best thing they ever did. When you have a baby those same friends will call you and laugh at you and call you "sucker".
- Babies aren't aware of their arms and hands and they have no control over them. They wave wildly, grab at things, claw randomly and sometimes even pull their own hair. It's as if they're posessed.
- Babies sleep with their eyes open, and those eyes randomly drift around. When Cole nods off he looks like he needs an exorcisism.
- Newborn babies have four modes. They're either hungry, sleeping, alert or crying. That's not too surprising. What is surprising is that they can randomly snap between these modes at any time. One moment they're crying hysterically, and the next they're completely asleep.
- You know you've done a good job feeding a baby when he enters a "milk coma" and becomes unresponsive like he's been drugged.
- If you have a baby on your lap in the doctor's office no one will pay any attention if he farts loudly. Should you fart loudly as well, everyone will think it is the baby.
- When you change a baby boy's diaper, he will try to pee on you. Your best approach is to divert it away from your face and clothes. If you can't aim it into the diaper, aim it at your baby; it gives you an evil sense of satisfaction.
- When a baby fills his pants it's a forceful affair. If I pushed like that I'd lose a gasket.